It’s officially crying season. This is the time of year where parents pretend that they are not bothered by their first born or even tenth born going to college. There is so much to do to prepare for college, so I wanted to share some tips from a grizzled veteran of the drop off. What you will hopefully find in reading this are two main threads: you are not alone and most of the prep is your child’s responsibility.
Getting Ready:
1) Your child should be responsible for the contents of their room. Make sure they have reached out to all potential roommates and make THEM coordinate who is bringing what. Help them with questions but this is a great way for them to meet their roommates and for you to let go a little. They will need a list of items, layout of the room, food storage (fridge or no fridge), and other items. Most schools have prep lists right on their websites with general information for your now adult child to handle all by themselves.
2) Utilize black tubs from hardware stores (with the yellow lids). These are fantastic for packing all their separate areas into and easy to put in the car. You can also potentially leave them there to pack up at pick up time next year. The lids make them stackable and not spillable. Plus, if you have a lot of weird odds and ends like lamps, they can be used as a catchall and eliminate multiple trips to the car on move in date.
3) DO NOT BUY A BEANBAG! Great in the box, impossible to bring home. It literally fills the back end of a common SUV. The bane of my existence.
4) Buy vacuum sealable bags for clothes and bedding. Be selective with the clothes. Most kids are fine with a couple of hoodies and can get what they need during winter break. Kids get tons of free stuff on campus, as well. I would recommend 2-3 weeks of interchangeable clothes and that’s it to start. (Putting clothes on hangers and covering them with a garbage bag is a great hack if you don’t get the vacuum seal bags. See Facebook and Youtube). Also, I would wait until they get to school to remove their new bedding from the bag. They can wash it there and it will be in the smallest packed state in the manufacturer’s packaging.
5) Please forget the HGTV Pinterest-Perfect dorm room. In a moment of absolute honesty here, I loathe the Facebook culture of spending $1000’s on a cinder block dorm room décor picture. The day is already so emotionally overwhelming for your child. I have seen so many miserable kids just sitting on their phones while their parents go crazy decorating their room. They appreciate it but instead focus on high comfort GOOD SLEEP items like twin XL deep corner sheets, a great mattress pad and super comfy pillows. You will sleep better knowing they are sleeping better or at least enjoying rotting in their beds during down time. I’m sorry if that hurts any feelings.
6) Don’t OVERPACK. Dorm rooms are tiny and your kids will likely have a parent’s weekend or holiday in October/November. They will be ok with less. Check out the storage situation in the room and utilize whatever you can, like under bed storage and over the door hangers.
7) Take a photo of the packed car with your smiling child in it. This one is a two-fer. You get to take a picture of your child who is terrified, excited, childish, adultish and all stuff embarking on the next step in their journey. Secondly, you just crushed it getting all that stuff crammed in the car perfectly. Enjoy the spoils of your labor!
Financial:
1) Become an authorized user on their bursar account. The university will need paid for your child to be a student. I found that one of my three kids never even looked at the bill and why would he? Depending on the school, some will present an itemized bill and some just show a balance. PLEASE be sure that all student aid and financial aid have been applied before you pay in full. Anything that gets refunded goes STRAIGHT to your child’s bank account. This was an unpleasant surprise for us.
2) Cancel their student insurance. If they are covered by your health insurance, having the school insurance is like wearing a raincoat inside. It is unnecessary and costs between $1k-$3k.
3) Review their meal plan and don’t buy them more food than they need. They will have enough. Often, there are many opportunities for free food at student events that you may be surprised to find the meal plans to be less valuable. This one can be a toss up though depending on the level of eater that your child tends to be on their own. In other words, ask in a parent group how well the meal plans operate.
4) Sign a school Power of Attorney. Your child is an adult, and the school won’t tell you anything without it. Ever. Don’t say I didn’t warn you. They don’t care that you are paying the bill.
5) Open a no questions asked Uber/Lyft account for them. If your child happens to imbibe while on campus (that means drink) or they find themselves in a place with no ride home, let them make a good decision and then NEVER NEVER NEVER ask them about it. If they are using it everywhere and the bill is getting crazy, perhaps that is a discussion point for winter break.
6) Add them as an authorized user on your CC and/or apply for one of the college cards you get in the mail. This can help them build their credit and if they lose their wallet or get in a pinch, there is always a financial bailout card available to them. You may have to have some conversations along the way about tickets that were purchased for a concert, atm cash advances and interest rates but still it’s worth the piece of mind that they will be ok in a pinch.
7) Delink them from your Starbucks app or apple card. Wow, have I heard/lived some stories.
Emotional prep:
1) Make it about their day, not your loss. My goodness, this is a tough one. I wrote an entire blog last year about this piece. No one and nothing can prepare you for dropping off your child at college. Even if you have saved all the money, done all the packing and prep and you have an organized and perfect child, it is a gut-wrenching awful feeling for some folks, me included. A business coach told me that I was being selfish by stealing away the focus on the biggest and scariest day of my kid’s life so far. That hit hard. I tried to spend the day saying how awesome it was going to be and how great she would do. It changed my perspective and made her feel more confident. My wife, however, was frequently in tears and struggled with the move. I cried the night before in private….more than I thought I would, and I wasn’t sure why. Just know that your kid needs you to be excited and sure for them and then let loose on the ride home.
2) Do something else on the way home. I highly suggest planning a stop on the way home for food, putt-putt or anything to take your mind off your child being on their own. It can also be a quick way to connect with whoever you are driving with to share how you’re feeling….and maybe hug someone for a second.
3) Don’t call them for a few days. This is a tough one that was given to me by many successful college parents, if that’s a thing. We dropped off our first, decided not to call and she waited about two weeks to reach back out. Now we talk every day. They just need a minute to adjust and not be hovered over from afar. Just tell them “Call me when you’re ready.” I will admit that I’m pretty sure we called our first because we were like “What the heck?” but she was fine.
4) Establish boundaries with your kid, or other way around. Some parents start visiting their kids at college for lunch, dinner, concerts and parties (you heard me) and it just takes away from their experience. They are adults. Ask them if you can come visit and get a hotel. I’ve heard stories of parents sleeping in dorm rooms, going to the freshmen bar, etc. Instead, find out when Parent’s Weekend is and go crazy during your allotted time. Just a suggestion from a three-time college parent.
5) Turn off kid location services. Oooooohhhh. I can hear parents seething with me already on this one. This is totally a personal opinion from someone who overstepped. Just turn it off or they will. It can be an unhealthy habit to check where your child is on campus or recreationally. I am a recovering checker. Now that I have some distance, I can say with conviction that it was a mistake to look where she was whenever I felt nervous or sad.
The truth is that this is a tough day for most parents. Even through the hugs, the high fives, the worry, the unwavering existential sadness that can happen, shopping, the “talks,” and the blowups that occasionally occur, you need to know that your child appreciates you; your oversteps and miscalculations. They know you are doing your best, even if they are annoyed. They don’t know what’s happening either. As my friend once said, “Don’t make fun of me! It’s my first day at being bad at this!” Couldn’t have said it better.